When I am ill

"Please be stronger than you ever have. Do not falter. At this moment, I really need your strength," I whispered at him with quavering voice through the phone call when the clock stroke to the midnight. I was crying bucket of tears with a box of tissue next to me. My voice was shaky and I whispered at him again. "Be strong for me, I need you at this moment."

I am ill. Perhaps it is because I decided to stop my medications without the doctor's advice, perhaps it is because I held it for too long, or perhaps everything seems to be against me when I am weak and fragile. Or perhaps my wish for someone in my family to notice and validate my feelings is still there. I have no idea which one it is. 

When they seem to be drifted away from me, you are there for me. You listen and you care deeply, you notice and you coax me, you stay and be there for me. Every words coming from you, wash my heart from the pain that I have carried for ages. The pain might come again, but you would reassure me, 'I am here for you' and 'Tell me everything you feel, I am always here.' 

These days, I call you more often than usual. I would cry during our conversation, you notice even I try my best to hide it. You would say, 'Take a deep breath...' and you would tell me anything, perhaps it is about your boring day just to shift my mind from thinking what I have been thinking. Despite all of your packed schedule, you would find time for me and return my call as soon as you can. 

'Please bear with me, I might take some time to recover, and I am so sorry' 

'It is okay, take your time, I'll always be here' 

.........

At this moment I just received a call from you. You told me few minutes ago you will be going to play badminton with your Abang. While waiting for him, you called me just to hear my voice.

The first thing coming from you is, 'I am so happy today because I bumped into you twice. I am the happiest person on earth even it was just few seconds, seeing you smile is enough for me' 

To be honest, I was crying before he called, and listening to his voice and how happy he was, shift my mind from the reason why I cry. Haha. 

I recalled how we bumped into each other today. You waved at me at the traffic light when we got off to work and you knocked my window when I was caught in jam on my way home after office hours. 

He was smiling ear to ear seeing me. I waved at him, seeing him make me feel alive once again. 

At least I have one reason to live. 

Him.